Daring Way to Transform Misunderstandings

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Have you ever felt hesitant to talk about important things because you just know there will be a misunderstanding? Wouldn’t it be better to avoid conflict and keep the peace instead?

We’ve all felt this way, but what if there was a way to calmly “float” through these instances with the peace of a sun-soaked bum lounging on a bobbing inner tube with a cold lemonade in hand? I’m here to tell you there is.

Miscommunications happen every day even amongst the most experienced communicators. You say something, someone misunderstands you, then you’re both unhappy and feel misunderstood. It sucks.

But here’s what you need to know. The initial blah blah blah mismatch is guaranteed. The degree to which it bothers is up to you. In fact, you can turn the irritation and friction into a driving point for connection instead.

Here’s a page from my own story to illustrate this.

Just the other night, my husband and I were talking about something important (cue the heightened opportunity for catastrophic miscommunication). I asked him if he would be willing to give up what he wants for a week since it had only worked to do his preference recently, despite us trying to meet both his and mine.

To my surprise, he said “I don’t know about that. Can I think about it first?” Umm… what? Did the fact he wasn’t willing to budge mean what I wanted wasn’t important to him? It sure felt like it. My “triggered” reaction was feeling like he didn’t value what I want anymore, which was confusing because I know that isn’t true.

So I thought, “This is weird, usually he's really generous and ready to help me. Maybe I don’t completely understand what he means.” So I stepped aside from the conversation to allow myself a moment to feel disappointed. Instead of talking myself out of these feelings, I admitted that under the current circumstances of what I understood my feelings were really reasonable.

But then I asked self a really important question, could I have missed something? And the answer is always a big, resounding YES. No matter who it is, what they say, how they say it, they can always mean something different than you think. Acknowledging this matters the most when the relationship matter the most. So I asked him, “Does what you said earlier mean you dislike what I want to do so much that you never want to do it again?” (It sounds extreme, I know.) He emphatically said “No – I just meant I think I can do what you want and what I want. I'm not sure I'm ready to give up what I want when I think it is possible to do both.”

Phew! A sigh of relief. The world made sense again. This capable man cared greatly for what I wanted but saw a way to value what he wanted as well. We hugged and enjoyed the relief of resolution before moving on to talk about other things. And just like that, the miscommunication was neither person’s doing… or undoing.

That's success, by the way. Sometimes people think clearing up a miscommunication and having it lead to a new conversation means the original problem was never fully resolved. That just isn't true.

Here’s the truth - you turned the page and now you are writing a new chapter together. The subject only shifted subtly but the direction of the conversation changed its course monumentally. You are no longer sailing towards a large rock (which is exactly what happens during miscommunication and why it feels so scary... because if you stay on course without redirecting, you crash and people get hurt). Now, you are sailing around it and discussing your new course. That's a much more enjoyable conversation!

The best part? It gets easier with practice. My husband and I have been honing our communication together for eight and a half years, and like anyone, we still have miscommunications. However, they rarely frustrate us anymore.

That doesn’t mean we avoid hard conversations though. In fact, a big reason we can talk about difficult things is because of the way we handle miscommunications. Consider this, are you avoiding any conversations? Maybe you thought the topic was difficult but it is really the potential for misunderstanding that’s holding you back.

Let’s make you brave. Stick around until sailing around the rocks of miscommunication becomes second nature. You'll find it’s more doable than you realize, you're more capable than you think, and the world is a place of grand adventure ready for you to set sail and discover it!