Get Your "BUT" out of the Way

Are you weakening your language with one little word? Using “but” out of place makes our communication confusing and undermines our point. 

We use the word “but” to connect so many of our sentences, however, the word is actually meant to be reserved for specific cases where the second idea of the sentence contrasts, lessens, negates, or argues with the first idea of the sentence in some way.

Take this for example: “I love you but it annoys me when you leave the dishes in the sink.”

Putting these two ideas in the same sentence implies they are somehow connected and the connector, “but,” tells us how. Used here, it changes the meaning of the sentence to something like this, “I love you – but I love you less when…” It implies they love the person less because of their bad habit.

Do these two ideas even belong in the same sentence? An admission of love and of criticism? I propose they are better separated as they are two separate thoughts that weaken the other when combined in this way.

Consider this alternative: “I love you. (Pause.) Hey, could I talk to you about something? (Indicate transition to a new thought.) It really bothers me when you leave dishes in the sink.”

This conveys the same two ideas by separating them into two sentences and avoiding “but” altogether. It implies that one’s love does not depend on the dishes in the sink.

Here is another way: “I love you, and it really annoys me when you leave the dishes in the sink because it makes it hard for me to make dinner for you.”

This conveys these ideas are closely related and affect one another. The topic of the first half of the sentence is the person’s love for the other so the second half must support this topic as well. By adding a genuine “for you” statement, the speaker fulfills this.

Consider how you can change “but” into “and.” If you have to change the sentence entirely, it might be for the best.

The Point: Don’t let your “but” undermine your message.